Is Your Sex Life Missing Something? Let’s Talk About It

What does it really mean to “spice up” your sex life?

In this episode of What They Didn’t Tell You: From Core to Floor, Dr. Millie Schweky sits down with Bracha Bardwigder, a therapist and sexuality and intimacy specialist, for an honest conversation about sex, connection, communication, and the things so many couples struggle with behind closed doors.

They talk about why relationships can fall into a routine, how pressure and expectations can get in the way of pleasure, and how to recognize when a sexual struggle may actually be connected to something deeper in the relationship.

They also dive into painful sex, low desire, shame, emotional disconnection, communication, and why both physical and emotional support can be important when you're struggling.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• What “spicing up” your sex life actually means
• Why pressure can be the biggest obstacle to pleasure
• How to tell if you're dealing with a sexual issue or a deeper relationship issue
• Why communication is essential to intimacy
• How pain can affect you emotionally, not just physically
• Why seeking both pelvic floor PT and emotional support can make a difference
• How to challenge the beliefs and shame you may have carried into your relationship

Most importantly, this conversation is a reminder that you don't have to ignore problems in your intimate life or simply accept them as normal.

You deserve support, connection, pleasure, and a relationship that feels good for both of you.

Listen now to What They Didn’t Tell You: From Core to Floor with Dr. Millie Schweky.

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

Millie Schweky (00:00)

Braham, so excited and humbled to have you on the show tonight. So before we dive

Bracha (00:04)

Thank you.

Millie Schweky (00:06)

in, let's tell everyone a little bit about who you are.

Bracha (00:10)

Sure, I'm Bracha Bardwigder. I was a doula for 12 years before I became a therapist. I specialize in sexuality and intimacy. I was also a coach and I'm still a college teacher. So I got into all things women's health related. It's been about 18 years and I'm happy to be here. Thank you for having me.

Millie Schweky (00:34)

Thank you. There are so many areas where we cross over because

I teach about birth. teach about intimacy and everything goes so hands in hands. And I love your hashka fah, as I would say when I follow you. I love the way you answer people's really sensitive questions. So I was very excited to ask you to come on the show and hopefully share something new with the audience. So.

Bracha (00:46)

Sure. Let's go.

Millie Schweky (00:58)

I want to kind of get right into it. So one of the main things I want to discuss today is everything they didn't tell you about spicing up your sex life. So I think when people hear that, they cringe a little bit. So can you tell us what that actually means?

Bracha (01:14)

Everything about swizing up your sex life, that's a pretty big topic.

Millie Schweky (01:18)

what does

it mean if someone says i wanna spice up- like spice up your sex life or if they get that advice,

Bracha (01:22)

sure.

Millie Schweky (01:22)

like what does it mean?

Bracha (01:23)

Meaning when I'm teaching brides, right, they don't know what that means. So I could give the answer that I let's say introduced to them that in the beginning of a relationship, typically, and again, there's nothing that's always because every couple is unique in their situation. But typically what happens is in the beginning of a relationship, just being able to touch and kiss and cuddle and be intimate is exciting on its own.

and there's like a newness factor to it, right? And then at some point in the relationship, when you get used to that kind of contact, then if a couple is engaging intimately in the same exact way over and over again, it starts to get what they feel is boring, redundant, right? And so spicing it up means having the openness, willingness and desire to be curious and explore and expand what you've been doing in the bedroom with each other, right? So,

Spicing it up for different people could mean different things. Like what's very spicy for one person could also be like not that spicy for somebody else. And what's important, I think in relationships is obviously for that couple to figure out with each other what it means for them. Right. So like you may have a woman feel that she wants more of something and a husband's not necessarily so comfortable with it and vice versa. And

What I tell couples is just keep exploring, stay open, experiment, try, learn, read, listen to what each other is saying or whatever your educational resources are for that so that you can expand on making your bedroom life more interesting. I actually had a client recently have this come up in her relationship.

And I found myself telling her what I typically also teach my brides, which is if you're on the way home from mikvah, right, like you're on your way home and you're not excited to come home and you haven't touched in two weeks, then I tell them, don't even go home. Like, don't go straight home. Like stop somewhere, get something, do something right now, because that means you actually already waited a little too long, which is OK. But at least now you realize

Don't go home and do the same thing and feel not excited and bored about what you're about to engage in. Stop in the grocery and buy whipped cream and eat it off of each other. I don't care. Like go do something different that makes it like we need to switch this up and not come into the evening with the same exact expectation and expecting a different sort of result where like, it's fireworks and exciting. Like, no, if you're bored, you're bored and you need to spice it up.

Millie Schweky (03:56)

I

love that. I think a lot of women get stuck in this wash, rinse, repeat of having sex. Like when I'm troubleshooting pain with someone, like, a lot of guys will like tell me about like how it goes and they'll like, like, like, like recite a script for me of like, first he does this and then we do this and then I do this and then I do this and then we do this position and that position.

And I'm like, so is this every time? And it's like this like rehearsed thing that they just get used to. I'm like, you know, you, it doesn't have to be in that order and you could like change up the menu. so, but I'm hearing from you.

Bracha (04:23)

Right, Exactly But that's where people get

stuck which is understandable because again if you don't learn Like the concept even in the beginning of your relationship that changing it as a possibility then you don't really know how to expand that

Millie Schweky (04:42)

Yeah, so I'm hearing from you is that spicing it up means like doing something different because like the human nature is you might get bored or used to something. So let's change it up.

Bracha (04:49)

Correct. Like in our lifestyle,

we don't change the partner we're with, thank God. We're happy to be largely like through a marriage model, like staying with the same person. But then that means that the activities that you do will get boring if it's the same exact activity over and over again. It's not that different than eating the same exact dinner every night or four times a week. Like most people are bored by that. Other people are like, yeah, I could eat that every day. Sure. But also like prove me how you can do that for a whole year or three years.

Millie Schweky (05:16)

Yeah.

Bracha (05:17)

At some point, your favorite food will become your least favorite food if that's how you, you know, ingest it.

Millie Schweky (05:21)

I hear you.

Yeah. I always talk about like sex, guess, like food like that. I'm like, yeah, like if we're talking about vibrators, for example, I'll just say something like, okay, like you could like steak, but you could also put sauce on your steak. You know, like there's always like, there's always

Bracha (05:29)

Exactly.

Millie Schweky (05:36)

something you can do. I love food. It's always like coming in the clutch as I'm metaphor.

Bracha (05:38)

Poon insects are the best two analogies because

no, they are, they're just like very interchangeable. So I always bring them up. Not surprising

Millie Schweky (05:46)

Yeah

Bracha (05:47)

that five minutes in we already made some connection with that.

Millie Schweky (05:50)

Yeah, wait, but I do have a question. Because you were saying about, okay, if you're not excited, like,

Bracha (05:52)

Sure.

Millie Schweky (05:54)

don't go home. So and I like that whipped cream idea. That was very, that was very cheeky. I like that. But how do you know like, how would someone know if it's a sex problem? Or if there's something deeper in relationship going on? That's making them not excited? Like, how could they tell the difference?

Bracha (06:13)

well for starters by asking themselves that question Right, like if someone asks themselves Do I not want to go home now because I feel distant or disconnected or resentful or were in an argument or a fight or

again upset about something, something's been brewing or festering, typically if someone asks themselves that question, their brain, their body will give them an answer, right? So usually people would know. Is it possible that someone doesn't know at all? Yeah, so again, if that's going on for some time, right, if someone's finding themselves in that situation for a number of months and they're trying to figure it out on their own and they're not getting the answer to that question,

they should go to a third party and consult with that. Go to a counselor, go to a therapist, go to a professional that is experienced in this topic that can guide you to help you figure out what's what. Because can a woman also, meaning men don't go to mikvah, but could a man also come to mikvah night, so to speak, and not be thrilled? Big myth and misconception that that doesn't happen, that men are always down for it, but that's not true.

They struggle too. And if there's something going on, whether it's his dissatisfaction or resentment on his part or emotional disconnect or a lack of sexual excitement because it's been not exciting, then it's important that they do figure out the answer to that question.

Millie Schweky (07:29)

I love that you brought in the male perspective because I think we sometimes forget, because it's a woman's mitzvah, that there's a whole other side to it.

Bracha (07:35)

Yeah.

Yeah, well, they're the other party of that every single time. So we have to

Millie Schweky (07:40)

Yeah. Yeah.

Bracha (07:43)

take them into account.

Millie Schweky (07:44)

Yeah, it's just like good to be reminded, I think. So, okay, so now you come home from Mikva, right? And like, there's this, I don't like to like use the word expectation, but I'm trying to think of like a better word. Like now there's this like, I'm like doing this in my hands. Okay, let's say expectation. There's an expectation to have good sex. Obviously that means something different.

Bracha (07:47)

Yeah, for sure. Okay, so I'm involved with American culture. that's like, that's expectation. I'm not sure if that's true. Like, now there's this like, I don't know if that's true. So it's an expectation. It's an expectation of the kind of culture. Obviously that means something is

different to the current moment. like, what is that?

Millie Schweky (08:09)

to everyone, but like on a zoomed out level, like

what does that mean? How can we define good?

Bracha (08:16)

Okay,

so there's two parts to this to this question one is is it true that every couple has this expectation and Should it be that way and then number two answering what does good sex mean? So let's do first number one. Does every couple have that expectation? I think that that's how couples are set up right? they learn that there's this expectation that make fun night like you get back together and it's been two weeks and it's so exciting and all of that and

that works for some couples, right? It works for the couples that both, are in a good place with each other. They are both aroused or interested in being sexual that night. They're excited, they're looking forward. Then their expectation is, I want to have that interaction with you tonight, right? But what about the couples who are going through a tough spot in this category for a myriad of reasons? I mean, you know, it could be like, because there's pain related.

or because there's emotional disconnect related, which we just talked about, or for whatever other reason, there's boredom. There's something going on that's lacking in the, like, I want to do this department. Then the expectation actually can and should be shifted because when it's not, then there's pressure. So the couple should actually have this conversation prior to make fun night, right? Like, again, don't come home from McFa and be like, hang on a second. I don't want to have sex with you right now. I mean, you could do that if you need to.

but it really would be ideal to do it like three, four, even five days before, like as you're leading up to mikvah. If you or him are feeling this way, it would be a good idea to be like, can we talk on the couch for a few minutes or something? Like, I need to discuss with you. And then whoever's the one experiencing it should tell the other, I feel way too pressured coming into mikvah night. I feel like there's this expectation that we need to have sex or that the sex needs to be really, really good.

And it's just putting this like damper on it for me Just sharing that lets your partner know that that's what you're going through and then they can modify a plan for themselves Maybe for that couple for this season of their life having sex on mcfinight is not going to be the best sex they could have Maybe that's the best best intimate interaction they could have where they where she comes home and they cuddle and they kiss and they eat a dessert together and they talk and they reconnect

and maybe sex tomorrow night would be so much better. Guess what? That's then the mitzvah. For them, that's the version of sex that they should have and that they could have. But they can't achieve that if they don't talk about either managing the expectation or what to do when there's a mismatched expectation. So that's part one. Part two is what does good sex mean? Well, that's a good question in general. Like that's, that could be subjective to per person, right? So it depends. Like really good sex is mainly defined by both parties.

having a good time with each other, experiencing a level of pleasure that they're satisfied with and feeling connected in the interaction. So I would say most people would say that is good sex. Then there's obviously like a whole range of like sex not being good, it being really bad or God forbid painful to like it being mind blowing, amazing best sex someone ever had. So there is a range. And again, I would say good means like,

You both had a really nice time and walked away feeling happy with the experience.

Millie Schweky (11:25)

no matter what happened in the experience, like we're talking about expectations. A lot of my patients have this expectation of, my gosh, I'm in therapy. I'm working so hard. I want it to not hurt this time. And then they do it and there's some discomfort or like five minutes and it starts hurting or they're having trouble achieving an orgasm. And they're like, they're putting this like pressure on themselves and like, they're getting in their head and they're holding this tension like

Bracha (11:40)

Pressure, yes.

Millie Schweky (11:51)

Everywhere like it goes from their head to their body and then their body is not working with them because they're not in that alignment So well,

Bracha (11:54)

100%.

Millie Schweky (11:59)

so how do we take off these pressure and expectations? Like I really didn't want to say the word expectations, but I guess that's the human nature. Like how do we go about this?

Bracha (12:09)

I always tell my clients that pressure is the number one killjoy of pleasure. So if what you're aiming for is having pleasure, then the second you bring the pressure into it, it all just flew out the window. You lost the possibility. So it's hard because initially what they really need to work on then for someone who's in that situation is surrender. Like surrender to the idea or to the fact that

what I expect or what I hoped or what I wanted now is not happening exactly that way. Now we can learn what's a new way that I can have this. What's a different way than what I initially expected or thought or believed I would be able to have that I now can't have, right? And so that's really what the shift is. It's not easy work, by the way. Like mentally, this is a lot of work. And I would say a lot of people do struggle with this because again,

A of couples do find themselves in a mismatched expectation situation, especially in a long-term relationship. And then it's up to that couple to figure out how to get through that in a way that is healthy, that works for both people.

Millie Schweky (13:12)

So communication sounds like key, obviously.

Bracha (13:14)

Number one. Yes.

Millie Schweky (13:16)

And I'm even getting from you, like maybe that's the spice. You know, like, yeah.

Bracha (13:20)

Well, in terms of intimacy, is. Well,

think about what is emotional intimacy? How do we emotionally connect our partners? We connect mostly through speech. Well, I mean, mostly through

Millie Schweky (13:28)

You're asking me? Right, your speech, yeah.

Bracha (13:31)

conversation, right? Like sit down, you talk, you connect. It's the end of a long day. You touch base over the weekend. You can talk hopefully more or whatever you find your pockets of time and ways to feel like.

what makes a couple feel connected to each other, that they have this understanding, that they're team players, that they have each other's back, that they know what the other person's day and life experience is. can't accomplish that if you're not talking to each other frequently, right? So

Millie Schweky (13:57)

Right.

Bracha (13:57)

there's one. And then sex, the physical intimacy, what is that? That's the nonverbal communication. That's the way that you could express the deepest form of love without saying anything at all.

just from the act itself of how you show up for each other in sex, that's physical intimacy, that is a nonverbal communication where you're talking to each other through your bodies.

Millie Schweky (14:18)

I love that. I don't know why I never thought of it like nonverbal communication. feel like it's so obvious now, like hearing you say it, but like our

Bracha (14:27)

Yeah.

Millie Schweky (14:27)

bodies are always speaking to us. So obviously like you could speak to someone with your

Bracha (14:30)

to speak.

Millie Schweky (14:32)

body through body language or intimacy. Like that's just a very cool reframe. love that. so going back to speech for a second. So we were talking about like, let's say, you know, leading up to make the night, you want to have a conversation with your husband or.

You were talking about, we're just talking about like communication in general. How? I know a lot of women just have

Bracha (14:47)

This one felt like it was a little... hell, I don't know how long it was going last.

Millie Schweky (14:52)

reservations when they do this, because they're like, I don't want to come off as critical. And I find that when the husband perceives what they want to say is critical, it's usually because the woman's not coming from the right place. Maybe she doesn't have

the clarity behind what she's actually trying to say. Do you have any input on that? Like how does a woman approach her husband in this kind of situation where without, you know, God forbid coming off like consulting.

Bracha (15:19)

Well, if she can manage this on her own, would look something like her sharing what she needs or what she's feeling, more of that and less about what he is or isn't doing. That'll bring hopefully his defenses down. I always say if a couple tries this, though, like when a woman tells me or a man tells me that like, tried this, I spoke to my wife so many times, goes in one ear out the other. I hear this very often from men.

Women tell me I explained it to him and he says he understands and then nothing changes. I hear this very often from women. So when I say like, if you tried this a number of times and then it didn't work, that's when it's time to seek professional help. Because you could stay in the same situation and continue to both become more distant or resentful, more aggravated, or you can go to a third party and be like, we tried to work this through on our own and we can't figure it out, please help.

Millie Schweky (16:09)

so everyone get professional help if you're running into roadblocks and you just need your one-on-one guidance for communication. It's always,

Bracha (16:18)

It could be because

there's a difference in communication style. It could be because, you know, one person's hearing it as an attack, even when it isn't because they maybe grew up in a critical home. There's so many things that come into play in a relationship, right? So first you try on your

Millie Schweky (16:32)

We're so complex.

Bracha (16:33)

own. And then if not, then that's what professionals are for. This is what I do all day long.

Millie Schweky (16:38)

Yeah, so that was the physical now. That was the that was the communication piece. Now if we go into the physical, like from my lens, when I'm working with patients, there's women who don't feel safe or connected into their bodies. And that's usually what we're working on when there's pain happening. But like, what do you see happening

Bracha (16:51)

Yes.

Millie Schweky (16:55)

on the other side of that?

Bracha (16:57)

When there's pain? You're

Millie Schweky (16:58)

Yeah.

Bracha (17:00)

saying on a sexual level? Yes.

Millie Schweky (17:01)

If you're working with a patient that's experiencing painful sex,

what's usually going on emotionally? Because I could see there's an emotional piece straight away, and there's only

Bracha (17:10)

100%.

Millie Schweky (17:11)

a certain level that I can work through it with them, but then this kind of therapy works best with a sex therapist. The collaboration is amazing, so what is it that you're seeing?

Bracha (17:21)

100%. So as I answered that question, I actually want to just add to one thing you just said to clarify for the listeners that they used to think that if someone had pain, the most successful thing they could do is go to a PT, go to pelvic floor therapy and work with it on a physical level. Then they found that there were women who did that for a number of years and they didn't get rid of the pain entirely.

And they thought, okay, so maybe that person just needs to go talk therapy, right? There was this whole philosophy that like, maybe it's all in the mind. And if their mind lets go and they could relax and mentally release whatever is blocking them, then they'll get rid of the pain. Well, the bottom line is that the studies came out showing that the most successful result or outcome for someone who has any sexual pain disorder is actually when they do both at the same time. So I want to stress the importance of actually collaborating

with someone like you and someone like me simultaneously, meaning when you're a PT for pain, you also should and most ideally be in some sort of emotional support or talk therapy because that's how you'll get the best results and the most success. So what do we see on the emotional and psychological side? It depends how long it's been going on for, right? Like when was the onset and when did it come on in the relationship? And also if they have had

a non painful sexual experience ever or not. And I find that to be very key differences also, right? So let's say you have a bride come in and she's now married. I'm saying bride because she's like super newly married, let's say six months. And the only intercourse experience she ever had was painful. We're looking at something very different emotionally than someone, than a woman who's married for a decade, had non painful sex and then had her third or fourth kid.

Suddenly now has pain and now is dealing with it So the emotional weight of that is also dependent on the woman's feeling and how she relates to her own body What's wrong with me? Am I broken? Why can't I do this? Everyone else figures it out right? There's like and there's so much pressure and there's a beginning of a relationship and like He's waiting and wondering and asking and his husband Rebbe is calling his rabbi is calling and her college teachers calling and they're you know I more people are getting involved and there's shame and embarrassment and all these other feelings and

where someone who like has memory and recollection and experienced non painful intercourse and then suddenly has pain, they know, they know what their body can do. They know what they're missing right now. They know that they're working towards it. They know that they can get help or they do. Right. And therefore, I think the outcome for them, even emotionally is the weight of it is very different. So there's a lot. There's a lot of feelings involved. Right. There's a lot of heaviness.

a lot of broken feelings I find. And I would say probably one of the most painful factors for clients in this situation is the isolation, the loneliness factor of like, something's wrong with me. It's so personal and so private and no one knows. So I can't talk about it with anyone other than let's say my PT or my therapist that I'm dealing with it. And the weight of that is so heavy. I find that's what takes, you know, a really big mental toll.

Millie Schweky (20:23)

It is I work with many, many, many women who got married really young, had painful experiences pretty much off

Bracha (20:31)

This is pretty nice.

Millie Schweky (20:32)

the bat. Side note, they're usually on like some form of hormonal birth control while they're experiencing the pain. And then they get pregnant like pretty quickly before they had non painful experiences. And then they have one or two kids like really close together in the beginning. And then they come to me like, and then I'm like,

Bracha (20:38)

Yes, very common. Right. They're like,

I'm married for three years, I'm married for five years, I never enjoyed sex, right?

Millie Schweky (20:52)

And I'm like, when did it start? Yeah, I'm like, when

did it start? And they're like, no, it was always like this. like, I

Bracha (20:59)

Right.

Millie Schweky (20:59)

know, I thought that I have patients who were told it was normal. Like that, I don't even want to go down that road of how much my blood boiled from this.

Bracha (21:06)

If

we go down that road, you wouldn't believe the comments that I've heard. Physicians like doctors actually tell their patients it's pretty mind blowing. Like, how do you

Millie Schweky (21:15)

Yeah.

Bracha (21:16)

tell someone who's married for five, 10 or 15 years, sit in a zits bath, drink some wine, just relax, listen to meditation. Do you think in 15 years she hasn't done any of those things? Like, are you for real? No, no, no, that's not the answer to this question. You know.

Millie Schweky (21:32)

Yeah.

So one of the things that I notice the minute someone walks into my office before they even like sit on the couch is they tell me their self-limiting belief. You'd be mind blown. had patients that come in like, I'm broken. there's something wrong with me. Exactly what you were saying, by the way, same belief.

Bracha (21:46)

Yeah, same.

Millie Schweky (21:52)

So I started working with them actually on.

Bracha (21:54)

You're my last, you're my only,

you're my only chance of effort. But I don't even believe in it. I don't think that this is gonna work. I think it could work for anyone else but me. Yeah.

Millie Schweky (22:01)

Yeah, lot that's yeah. These

self-limiting beliefs are real and I'm always explaining to my patients like your body believes whatever you're thinking like it's it's holding that on a cellular level like your muscles will not let go your nerves will not let go your fascia your tissue will not let go until you don't believe that anymore.

Bracha (22:16)

Right, so just so you know though you're right on the physical level right

but as a therapist also I obviously wouldn't ever say it like that's what client because that would be so invalidating to their

Millie Schweky (22:25)

Yeah.

Bracha (22:26)

experience right like no meaning there's a way to bring in that concept but we need to be careful because they already have so much guilt and shame the last thing we're looking to add to them is also self-blame

Millie Schweky (22:36)

Yeah, for sure. For sure. But the

Bracha (22:37)

Right? They so.

Millie Schweky (22:39)

actual shifting of the belief of like, do we understand that

Bracha (22:41)

Sure, yeah, so we work towards that.

Millie Schweky (22:44)

you're telling yourself you're the most common one is I'm a failure. That's like, nine out of 10 of them, like I'm a failure. And it's like, okay, do you understand that you made that up? Right. And we

Bracha (22:50)

Right.

Millie Schweky (22:55)

like, we need, I know it sounds a little harsh. I'm not a therapist, but we, but we need to get your body to not believe that anymore.

Bracha (23:03)

Right, right. So when you when you're doing that physically with the patient, right, and they're physically seeing or feeling a change in their body, then that's and as you're saying that to them, they can start to believe something different. Right, they see an experience

Millie Schweky (23:17)

Yeah, so we actually, I do this...

Bracha (23:19)

to shift. So that happens with my clients, but on a mental level,

right, or emotional level.

Millie Schweky (23:23)

Yes, so we do it, we do

it with the body. It's actually very interesting. I'll release a muscle that like when they say I'm a failure, I'm like, where do you feel it? They'll feel, say in their abdomen. I'll actually be physically working on their abdomen and we'll have them repeat the phrase until it doesn't land in their body anymore. They don't feel it. They're like, I feel dumb saying this. Like I'm like, because it's not true. Now let's say something that is true. And then we find. Yeah. We let it go and then we replace it.

Bracha (23:42)

Amazing. Right, So somatically what you're doing is you're helping them let it go. Yes.

Millie Schweky (23:51)

with something so I'm like, oh, imagine they did this and then went to a therapist also for some reason that's very stigmatized because maybe they're thinking like, oh, it means my marriage is on the line. Like there's just all these connotations that they might be scared of. Like, okay, my body's my body's not doing what I would imagine it's doing. So I'm going to physical therapy. But then when you go to a marriage or sex counselor, they're like, oh, there's something wrong with my marriage. Like they don't want to touch that.

Bracha (24:07)

Right. Right. But it's so funny

because I could say the same thing to in reverse because I've had clients come to me who are so resistant to going to pelvic floor therapy because like you want me like you're saying that there's something wrong with my body and it's really a problem. Like it's not just in my head. I'm like, isn't it better if there's something tangible we can do something for it. Right. So

It depends, every person's different, You'll have, what

Millie Schweky (24:40)

Yeah

Bracha (24:41)

we see here is you have all kinds of women who have different experiences and for some, one version of seeking help is harder or easier than the other.

Millie Schweky (24:50)

For sure, for sure.

Bracha (24:52)

What's important

is actually to normalize doing both or either, whichever one you need is the one that you should be proud to seek.

Millie Schweky (25:00)

Yeah, if anyone struggling is listening to this episode, I hope what they get out of it is to just get both. Like, just do it. And then they're like, but it's not covered by insurance. It's so expensive. I'm like, how much do you spend on shoes and your kid's clothes? You know? Like, it is expensive.

Bracha (25:07)

Yes. We can acknowledge that it's expensive. It is. Meaning in an

ideal world, an ideal world, insurance would fully cover this. But unfortunately, at least, I mean, I know

Millie Schweky (25:25)

It's not the case.

Bracha (25:26)

you're in Israel, but in America, in the United States,

It's largely not. there some PTs that are covered? Yes. Are there some therapists or some kinds of therapy that are covered? Yeah. But for the most part, the good quality version, unfortunately, it's not covered by insurance and it is pricey. that's, you again, like you said, people have to ask themselves, A, what they prioritize or B, how they can allocate funds for something that's super important to their life. At the end of the day, it is then an investment. It's an investment in yourself.

your

relationship, it's even an investment in your children. Like for children to grow up in a home where their parents have a happy, healthy relationship and intimacy is so crucial to shaping what their beliefs are about marriage, relationships and intimacy, right? And sometimes women or even men will tell me like, what do mean? Like they don't know if we're struggling. Like they don't know if we like, we don't have a good sex life. And I was like, yes, they do. They may not know that that's what it is, meaning they may, they're not.

Conscious when they're seven or eleven years old that you don't have a good sex life, you're right They don't know the details of that by the way, they shouldn't that would be really inappropriate But they feel it they feel they totally totally

Millie Schweky (26:34)

We feel it. Kids feel everything.

Bracha (26:37)

feel like is there like this free-flowing like love and energy and romance and flirtation and playfulness in a relationship or is there like tension and contention and resentment and holding back and like

constricted version of intimacy. They absolutely feel it. Well, I think women should do it for themselves,

Millie Schweky (26:55)

Yeah, kids really feel everything.

Bracha (26:58)

right? Women who are in this situation, you deserve to do this just for you. But if you're struggling

Millie Schweky (27:03)

Yeah.

Bracha (27:03)

with doing this for you, then do it for your spouse, do it for your marriage. And if that's not good enough, then do it for your kids. Moms will

Millie Schweky (27:10)

Yeah.

Bracha (27:10)

do so much more for their children than themselves, then do it for your kids.

takes, wherever you need to get the motivation from.

to seek support, do it.

Millie Schweky (27:20)

I agree with you. My hope for women is that they see how important they are and how holy they are and that they can do it for them.

Bracha (27:26)

Yeah.

Millie Schweky (27:28)

And then for the women who like put their kids first, well, yes, I do it for them. Exactly what you said. Like just do it for them.

Bracha (27:32)

100 %

again, it's the ideal that a woman would prioritize herself in that way.

Millie Schweky (27:35)

It's like why we're here.

Bracha (27:38)

But if she doesn't, then there's other sources of motivation.

Millie Schweky (27:42)

Yes, exactly. You can always think about it through someone else's lens. with all of this, I am mainly

Bracha (27:44)

Yes.

Millie Schweky (27:49)

treating the more observant religious Jewish population. How would you say as a therapist you see growing up in a more religious environment shape someone relationship with sex?

Bracha (28:03)

Well,

tremendously. Mostly it's shaped by the non learning of the sex. Like the lack of education is what is educating the youth and the young women and men coming into marriage. There's so many misconceptions that they're coming in with so many myths.

too much of you can't do this, you can't do that, this is wrong, this is not allowed. It's a big problem. We still have a very big gap, unfortunately, in our community when it comes to the education of this. I know that I I definitely try to do my part in bridging that gap. Obviously, I cannot do it alone and I'm always happy to hear when there's other good educators or therapists or Kala teachers that care to expand more of their curriculum to be more wholesome and

comprehensive and good sexuality education because that's something that is severely lacking still, unfortunately. So what we see in the bedroom was that mostly they closed that door and a lot of times, especially young couples don't know what they're doing and they know that they don't know what they're doing. They don't feel confident. They're nervous. They're scared or embarrassed and

as much as in the beginning of this conversation actually says for so many couples they come in excited, that's for the ones who had good education, right? That they're excited for that touch and for that contact and to explore sexuality finally for the first time in their life with this partner, right? But then you have a whole nother camp of people who didn't learn anything or came into the relationship, marriage feeling super unprepared. Those ones are not all excited in the beginning. Like, yes, maybe it still feels exciting to their body when they get that.

because that is human nature, but when there's still so much fear or uncertainty attached to it, it's very uncomfortable. And then that couple usually has a lot more to work through as time goes on. If it doesn't automatically get better, then it's automatically getting worse.

Millie Schweky (29:55)

So what do you think are the practical, like the actual beliefs that women are carrying that are holding them back?

Bracha (30:03)

when they come into the relationship.

Millie Schweky (30:04)

when it's coming from a lack of education, like for example, like I see the shame and all these things.

Bracha (30:07)

Oh, ooh, this is a good one. is for the man.

I need to be available whenever he wants it, because then he'll go elsewhere. I cannot tell you how much this one makes my blood boil, literally boil. What else are beliefs that they come in with? Pleasures for men. There's nothing really in it for me. Doing it as a mitzvah, so they're just doing it, quote unquote, l'shem shemayim, and not for...

enhancing their relationship or their own satisfaction.

I would say those are the most common ones for sure.

Millie Schweky (30:36)

For sure. Wow. I definitely could attest that that's some of what I'm seeing also. let's say like this new ideal world popped up, right? And like everyone's getting this healthy sex education. What? Like I think the whole next generation would be different.

Bracha (30:50)

my gosh, you're looking at a different planet. think, I think so many of

it's not just first of all, we could say we're talking about the Jewish community because we're both Jewish Orthodox women and that's what we're passionate about. And also most of our clients are also, you know, Orthodox Jews. So

Of

course, we care about that tremendously. But if you look at if you zoom out for a second and you look at the whole world, right, when you say, imagine that people like across the board got healthy sexuality education, I think our entire world would be completely different. I think so many of the issues that we have, so many of the the immorality, the confusion, the the negative of what's born from, God forbid, like bad sex or

unholy sex or harmful sex, Non-consensual. There's so many different layers of that that just brings so much damage to the world that if everyone had good education and parents were raising their children in a way where they were speaking to them and educating them and letting them know and answering their questions and taught about the beauty and consent and pleasure for both parties and

reducing the shame of seeking support or more education when needed and so on and so forth, then you're looking at a world where masculinity and femininity is so much healthier, where sexuality has good polarity, where relationships can thrive in a way where couples are happy and you're breaking a whole cycle for the next generation where they get to be your witness to that and experience and absorb sex in a way where it's something good and not something that's a chore.

or hard or bad or God forbid dangerous, which it is for some people, right? So I mean, that sounds like utopia. In other words, we're not, I

Millie Schweky (32:37)

think it's, it sounds like you're told that. think it's more interesting.

Bracha (32:40)

don't think we're getting there without like final redemption just because I see the world as guess flawed in the way that it is now. And that's part of unfortunately being in, know, Golis. But I believe that Hashem put us here to do the work, right? So

Millie Schweky (32:56)

Yeah,

I would challenge you and say maybe when we do this, maybe when we

Bracha (32:56)

He wants us to try. We should all try. We should all do it.

Millie Schweky (33:00)

do this, we'll have the redemption. I don't know if we have to wait for it

to get this.

Bracha (33:03)

No, no, no, I'm

not saying to wait, God forbid, for redemption. I think that's actually what my point was originally when I said the whole world.

Millie Schweky (33:10)

Yeah.

Bracha (33:11)

I personally, this is a personal belief. We talk about beliefs. I'll tell you one of my personal beliefs. My

Millie Schweky (33:13)

yeah yeah

Bracha (33:16)

personal beliefs is that sex would solve almost everything. No, like for real. Like

Millie Schweky (33:21)

Yeah.

Bracha (33:22)

I think, yeah, so many of the problems in the world I think would be different if healthy sexuality.

was so much more existent across the board. other words, yes, I think that a pathway to redemption is bringing the Shekhinah into this world, having holy intimacy, couples having a good time with each other, sex being something that's protected, not used as, God forbid, abuse. You know, there's just so many, so many parts of this, like 100 % because sex is literally anything that has so much power and holiness.

also has so much, unfortunately, power to break down, To hurt, to harm. And we're seeing that, I mean, it always existed in history, right? But like, I don't really know that there was a time that it was more problematic than it is now. Like, you don't have to live under a rock to know rape culture, sex slavery. Like, we don't have to get into all the negatives, but there is

Millie Schweky (34:17)

Mm-hmm.

Bracha (34:17)

so much.

that is so negative and twisted and contorted and evil that that's the opposite. It's like we need to make it really good and amazing and healthy and strong. Yeah, I totally believe

Millie Schweky (34:35)

Wow, I wanna get like a tattoo of that, like, sex for world peace.

Bracha (34:40)

Yeah, that sounds like something they would have maybe done in the 70s.

Millie Schweky (34:43)

It sounds great, but I really appreciate that perspective.

Bracha (34:47)

But Hashem does

expect us, think as Jewish people, to be the lamp lighters of this, right? We're supposed to show it to the world. Exactly,

Millie Schweky (34:54)

it's such a sex-positive religion, you know?

Bracha (34:58)

and I always say that, I'm like, it's so unfortunate when I have clients and brides and kalas and newlyweds have the opposite. like, one second, who told you that? Where did you learn that? Where did you have this from? This is not Judaism.

This

is not this is another religion, which I'm not going to name right now because I want to be respectful to other religions. But at the same time, there is no other religion. Literally, I've researched this that is more sex positive than Judaism. None. It's the one that prioritizes a woman's pleasure the most as the primary thing, so much so that it's in your marriage contracts. That's how important your pleasure is to God. Can you imagine? So.

Millie Schweky (35:37)

Yeah, when I get

like these

Bracha (35:40)

So women coming

in and being like, sex is for the men, I'm like, are you Jewish? Like, what religion are you part of? That is not Judaism.

Millie Schweky (35:48)

When I start with a bride who you could tell off the bat and she's usually self-aware that she didn't get like a good enough education. When I teach her her anatomy and I show her the clitoris and then it's like this whole organ and not just this bulb. I'm like, do you know that Hashem made this organ with one job? One job!

Bracha (36:01)

Yes. For you.

Millie Schweky (36:07)

And when you signed the ketubah, it actually said that your husband must pleasure you. Like that was part of the deal. Yeah.

Bracha (36:13)

your agreements.

Millie Schweky (36:15)

Like that was the deal.

Bracha (36:16)

Meaning it's halachic

grounds for divorce if God

Millie Schweky (36:20)

Yeah.

Bracha (36:20)

forbid a man neglects his wife in this way. Because Hashem's like you shouldn't be trapped in a marriage where then you don't have that. You should get a divorce and go to another man who will give you that. That's how important pleasure for women is to God. So how it happened that it got so contorted. Whatever, I have whole class on this. It's actually a whole historic

Millie Schweky (36:39)

Wow.

Bracha (36:40)

chain

of events, which I teach also because it's important for when people are like, why did I think these things so incorrectly? I want them to understand how we arrived here so they can then see how they can get out of that mindset

Millie Schweky (36:53)

Uh-huh.

Bracha (36:54)

and see it and reframe it to be what the reality is, what the truth is, and that it's different. just so you know, it didn't happen like overnight or by accident, like

We're surrounded by other religions and nations and there are things that they taught and believe that crept in to our community and we need to work harder to change that because it's not Judaism that a woman doesn't have pleasure or that it's not important to her or that her body can't do this. That's just not true. That's not how God designed you or sexuality in the world.

Millie Schweky (37:25)

Yeah, I will say that in like certain circles of my patients, like, you know, there's just like different types of communities and circles, people from different cities and places. There are certain circles where they're actually getting like this new fantastic education.

And they're telling me like when they took their marriage classes, like, we learned so much about sex that I don't even remember how I like I need to do a refresher. And I'm like, you know what?

I love that. Do the refraction, but I'm so happy they spent so much time

on like the important, you know, marriage part.

Bracha (38:02)

For sure. it's, I mean, you need, you need the laws. Obviously, if someone's observant, right, but you, you can't forget what the crux of it all is.

Millie Schweky (38:11)

Yeah, exactly. Like you're doing it for what? You know? Like you're doing it for what?

Bracha (38:14)

Yeah, exactly.

Millie Schweky (38:16)

Like what's the point? Okay, bracha. If you can give every woman

one thing they can take to feel more connected to themselves and their husbands via, you know, the path of their sex life, what would you, what advice or step would you give them to feel that connection?

Bracha (38:36)

I

think my answer to that would be it depends what they feel that they're Right? Meaning what do they feel? Which category do they feel like they're missing it in? If you're missing sensuality, learn about sensuality. If you're missing how to spice up sexuality, then learn about that. If what you're lacking is communication, go get some communication skills, meaning go talk to someone who can teach them to you. Right? So depends what you're missing is what I think you should.

first address.

Millie Schweky (39:05)

I always think

about the Sheva Niki'im as like the time where you assess kind of where you're at. Yeah,

Bracha (39:11)

self-evaluation.

Millie Schweky (39:12)

it's like a good time to evaluate and you know, you can figure out what you want to improve, strive for, for the next round.

Bracha (39:19)

Right.

Exactly. Meaning is you're coming into or coming into a close of coming into make for night. Like we said, spicing it up was just one angle. What's if someone's like, I have all these ideas, but I still, I don't want it. Okay. Then let's get to the bottom of why you experiencing low desire right now. Right? Like, is there something hormonal going on? Is there something emotional going on? What is the reason that you're experiencing a little bit?

Millie Schweky (39:44)

So getting to the really your own inner truth and your root so that you can be more aligned. Yeah.

Bracha (39:45)

Get to the root. Yeah, because for everyone that will be a different answer. For sure.

Millie Schweky (39:53)

Okay. Any closing thoughts, anything that you feel super passionate about that we didn't mention before we sign off?

Bracha (39:59)

I think, well, we said it, but I'll just say it again, which is don't ignore it. Don't neglect it. Don't push it off. It's such a shame. It's such a shame for so much time to go by and for listen, whenever people reach out, I still think it's amazing because even if someone waited five years or 10 years or 15 years and then they reached out, it's still good that they reached out rather than they didn't.

But

I want to encourage women and also men who are listening, like, don't wait that long. Like if you're listening to this and anything we said resonated where you're either experiencing pain or a low desire or don't know how to spice up your sex life or feel emotionally disconnected or don't have the right communication skills or have negative limiting beliefs, any of those things or experiencing painful sex, go to Millie, right? Whatever is going on, don't ignore it and wait and then be like,

later, this, don't know why I waited this long, or I can't believe I didn't do this sooner. It is a hard step to take. It's not easy. You know, we understand. But the sooner you seek out support or professional help, if after trying things on your own, you are not successful, you will be so much happier for it. Your relationship will be able to give back tenfold. You and your husband will could be in a

totally different place than anything you could have imagined. again, I think, you know, everyone deserves that I would love every couple to have that sort of peace, the connection, the intimacy, the sex that they desire, to look forward to it to experience it in a way that feels good to them, you know. So

Millie Schweky (41:35)

Wow.

Bracha (41:36)

I think that's that would be my final thought is is

Take, if this was your cue, then take it. Don't wait and push it off to the next thing. There's always gonna be other things to take care of, be busy with, prioritize, pay for, I get it. But what gives you a higher return than this? And having a happy life together, yeah.

Millie Schweky (41:53)

And this will power the rest of your life. This will power

everything else. Like when you're feeling drained and like you're pouring from an empty cup and you're burnt out, if you look in this area of your life and it's not it, like, and it's not, you know, doing it for you, like that could very much be the root of it. So listen to Bracha. Okay.

Bracha (42:10)

Absolutely. Thank you.

Millie Schweky (42:14)

This was such a great conversation. I'm so happy that this will be accessible to women around the world and men, who knows.

Bracha (42:20)

Thank you.

Bye.

Millie Schweky (42:22)

And, Brekov, anyone wants to work with you, find you, how can they do so?

Bracha (42:26)

They can email me bracha at bracha.barb.com or they can also find me on Instagram. I have my services links in my bio and yeah, I'm happy to.

Millie Schweky (42:37)

And she does really good question boxes.

Bracha (42:40)

I do. I have really, really good Q &A's on my page. There are many saved in highlights. You could also flip back and look at what there was.

And yeah, I'm happy to educate and be a help and support however I can. Thank you, Millie, for having me.

Millie Schweky (42:53)

This was wonderful.

Thank you for your time.

Bracha (42:57)

Thank you so much.