What They Didn’t Tell You: From Core to Floor
Your go to podcast for real talk about women’s bodies, pelvic floor health, hormones, pregnancy, sex, and healing all through a mix of science and intuition.
What They Didn’t Tell You: From Core to Floor
Clitoral Sensitivity & Niddah Loneliness
Welcome back to What They Didn’t Tell You: From Core to Floor!
In Episode 8, Dr. Millie Schweky and certified sex coach Galya Falkson answer two of the most vulnerable questions in the Q&A box:
“Why don’t I feel anything during sex?”
“And why do I feel so alone during Niddah?”
Spoiler: It’s not just in your head and it’s absolutely something you can work through.
Inside:
- What “sensitivity” really means and how arousal plays a major role
- Why your clitoris needs blood flow, too (yes, women get hard!)
- What to do if vibrators feel too intense or leave you numb
- Pelvic floor tone and sensation: how tight is too tight?
- How to reconnect emotionally when physical touch is off-limits
- Real scripts to help you talk to your partner during Niddah without guilt or shame
This episode is about understanding your body, owning your needs, and finding intimacy beyond just touch.
Heads up: Open convo ahead on orgasms, vibrators, Niddah, and everything in between. Pop in your headphones and let’s get into it.
Links:
Better Sex Online Program: https://millie-schweky.mykajabi.com/intimacy
Galya Falkson: https://galyafalkson.com/
Connect on IG: @milliedpt | @galyafalkson
[Dr. Millie Schweky]
Today, we're going to get into how to deal with decreased sensitivity during sex and tips for the loneliness that Niddah can bring.
We are back with another episode. Galya, are you ready for the first question?
[Galya Falkson]
I'm ready.
[Dr. Millie Schweky]
Someone put in the question box, "How can I get more sensitivity in my clitoris or vagina to climax?" That's all the context they gave. I'm assuming they're lacking sensitivity, something I've dealt with with patients a tonne. I would love to hear your insight.
[Galya Falkson]
So I think the first question is, what do they mean by sensitivity? Did they have more sensitivity before, or are they saying that they're not having as intense orgasms as they're looking for? When we say sensitivity, the actual organ is very sensitive. So if they're lacking sensitivity, we would look at, firstly, what caused the insensitivity, as well as what they mean by insensitivity. But if I'm just going to answer it the way it's given without any more context…
[Dr. Millie Schweky]
I would assume this person never had the sensitivity.
[Galya Falkson]
Well, I think with our context, I would approach it from an arousal perspective. Sensitivity increases when we actually slow down, build up that excitement, feel emotionally safe with our partner. If we're rushing or we're disconnected from our body, for some people, that sensitivity can then be lower. So we want to look at actually increasing that blood flow to the area because if you think about it like this, a man, when he is not aroused, his penis is soft. If you touch his penis, it's sensitive, but he's not having an orgasm from that. Then his penis fills with blood and it gets harder. And through that arousal period, the penis gets more sensitive to that touch and the lead-up to experiencing more pleasure.
So the same thing happens with the vulva. The clitoris itself fills with blood and expands like the penis. So if you don't get aroused, it's basically like playing with a flaccid penis. It's not going to be as pleasurable. So you actually want to build up that blood flow. There's breathwork that comes into it. It's the pelvic movements, the massage, other body stimulation, erogenous zone stimulation, clitoral stimulation, brain work, slowing down in your brain, feeling emotionally safe, feeling comfortable. There are so many elements to this that it would be impossible to just approach it one way.
[Dr. Millie Schweky]
Can we please normalise women getting hard? No husband is going to shove a flaccid penis into his wife. Why on earth is it not the same? I understand why it's not the same the other way around. It's because visually, you need to look a lot more closely to see if your wife or partner is aroused and hard. And you really got to look for that swelling. Men need to know, look for the swelling. Wives, send your husbands this episode. You need to be aroused.
[Galya Falkson]
Yeah, no, absolutely. And I think people don't realise that arousal—sometimes you can't see the swelling so distinctly from externally, but you can feel it, right? You can feel there's a pressure build-up. You're more excited. You feel... I don't even know what the word is, like hornier. You want it more. That is all the build-up. So sensitivity comes from that increased blood flow. That comes from the arousal. So we actually need to get to a point of arousal in order to experience deeper sensations and more sensitivity.
But just a side point, because I don't know the context here. If someone doesn't have any sensitivity—in other words, they're touching themselves or doing these things and they're not feeling anything—they actually have very little feeling. That's when they come to see a pelvic floor therapist because there are techniques to re-sensitise areas. I know a lot of my clients have had amazing results from just re-sensitising those areas, or maybe they themselves have desensitised the area by using a stimulation like a vibrator on the highest setting, not realising that actually the highest setting is too much for them. And it creates a temporary desensitisation. It's never, ever permanent. So in other words, if you wait an hour or come back the next day, your feeling should be 100% back. If you're experiencing that the feeling is not coming back, that's when there's an indication that something else is going on and you would need to go see a pelvic floor therapist. Or maybe it could be medication or hormone related. There are multiple reasons.
[Dr. Millie Schweky]
What I will tell you from my clinical experience, a lot of the women that come in with that lack of sensation have hypertonic muscles, which means their muscles are overactive. And just some breathwork and muscle release does a lot for them. But then I think there's a lot of just learning how to explore what you like, which I guess could be trial and error for many. But the first thing that I usually look at is muscle tone, because when the muscles are too tight, the blood flow—which is basically the erection for the woman—is going to be impeded. So we really need to look at muscle tone.
[Galya Falkson]
Yeah, absolutely. So that's how I would answer that question in short.
[Dr. Millie Schweky]
Amazing. I really love this talk. I'm having such a good time. The last question for today is, someone asked, "I get so lonely during Niddah and I just need to hug sometimes. I also feel like my husband doesn't pay as much attention to me when we can't touch. How can I speak about this with him?"
[Galya Falkson]
Before we answer the question, I would also like, for the people that don't know, to explain what Niddah is in just a couple of sentences. Niddah is a period of the Jewish life cycle. Each month, there is a two-week period called Niddah, where when the woman gets a menstrual cycle, her and her husband do not touch for that week, as well as the week afterwards. This period can be quite difficult for a lot of couples, especially when their love language is touch and their way of showing affection is through physical touch. Now this element of the relationship is almost taken away for two weeks.
It can be really difficult because it literally takes away their ability to bond. I just want to validate that it's absolutely valid. Niddah is a beautiful, powerful, spiritual space, but it brings a lot of physical challenges for people. For some people, it's amazing—they love the reconnect and the reset it does for their relationship. And for other people, they don't have that experience at all. It can be really difficult for them. I think the most important thing is just realising that Hashem created us. Think back to Adam and Hava, right? In order for Have to be created, Hashem literally took from Adam's body to create her. The lonely experience of being unable to touch your partner is there because we're actually not meant to be alone. We were created as one. There's a way for us to become individually full again within the space.
That doesn't mean that reconnecting to our partner becomes easy because we're now focusing on our own space. When we say focusing on our own space, we're not ignoring our partner. It's a combination of a few things. We need both—we need that emotional time to reset in our relationship, and we need that physical time. Most of the time, we need both of them working together as a team.
So I think focusing on the areas where you can connect instead of focusing on the areas where you can't connect is really important here. Just because you can't touch your partner doesn't mean you can't sit on the couch and have eye contact and tell each other beautiful things or share things you appreciate about each other.
[Dr. Millie Schweky]
I feel like my husband doesn't even pay attention to me. I'm just gathering that it's not even like, oh, we're not having deep conversations. I feel like he's not paying attention to me.
[Galya Falkson]
This is where it's really important for this couple to focus on the fact that just because you can't touch doesn't mean your relationship doesn't exist now. Just because you can't touch just means you can't touch. There are so many more elements to the relationship. This is a great opportunity for you to turn to your partner and say, "Listen, we aren't able to touch in this time and therefore it creates a disconnect for us. But I want us to then focus on the other ways that we can connect." We are wired as human beings for connection. We're now taking away a part of our relationship that binds us, but it's not the only part.
We have emotional elements that can bind us. If this doesn't land with your partner and your partner's still like, "Well, I'm not going to pay attention to you because I don't get physical touch," that's a much larger issue. That would be a red flag. But if your partner just maybe doesn't know how to manage this, oftentimes it comes from a place of, "Well, I can't go up to her and hold her hand, and I know that's what makes her feel loved. So I feel at a loss as to how to make her feel loved."
It's about having a conversation. Like, "Listen, you can't hold my hand when I'm crying or whatever, but you can sit on the couch with me and have eye contact. We can connect in a different way." Share words that are warm and loving, carve out time to connect. What are things you enjoy doing together that don't involve touch? Play games, do activities that make you feel close. Often people can come up with two to three things and those are the things to focus on during this time.
Also, a separate point: him being educated on what a period is, what the menstrual cycle looks like, and what the phases mean for her emotional state—all of that helps. If he's in tune and aware, he can be more outwardly affectionate in non-physical ways. Bring her tea, a blanket, a hot water bottle, or her favorite snacks. I saw a trend online of husbands doing sweet things for their wives in their luteal phase—it’s so heartwarming.
Even if touching is allowed during that time, she might not be in the mood. But it's still intimacy. We forget about the other beautiful aspects of intimacy when we're focused on sex. When everything physical is stripped away, sometimes you have to reframe what connection means.
So in short, you're feeling lonely because you're disconnected. You deserve attention. Figure out why he's disconnecting. What's going on for him? What's his why? Then talk about it. Express that this is how you feel and this is what you need. Suggest making time every day—or every other day—to sit and have eye contact and connect. No phones. Just five minutes of real presence. It's not a criticism. It's an invitation to stay open.
[Dr. Millie Schweky]
I think that's going to help a lot of people because I have heard this from so many women. They feel like their husbands kind of forget about them during the NIDA period. On the days you're not cuddling on the couch, what are you replacing it with? Sometimes it doesn't feel like enough.
[Galya Falkson]
I think that's going to help so many women, so many couples. Thank you so much for your time.
[Dr. Millie Schweky]
This was fantastic. And we'll see you guys in the next season.
[Galya Falkson]
Thank you for having me. If this episode resonated with you or brought something up that you want to explore more deeply, feel free to reach out to me on my website, www.galyafalkson.com or on Instagram. I have lots of resources—both free and paid—that dive deeper into these topics and are here to support you
[Dr. Millie Schweky]
If you liked this and want to hear more, take a second to rate the show and maybe 30 seconds to write a quick review. It helps us reach more people and keep the show going. Peace out, homies. Have a great day.