What They Didn’t Tell You: From Core to Floor

Penetration Isn’t the Point (And Other Bedroom Truths)

• Millie Schweky • Season 1 • Episode 6

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What do you do when sex hurts, your therapist says to stop, and your partner just… doesn’t get it? In this no-filter episode, Dr. Millie dives deep into the emotional, physical, and relational complexities of painful sex and how couples can stay connected and empowered without rushing into penetration.

What’s Inside:

  • What the “fear-pain cycle” is… and how to break it.
  • The truth about fairness in intimacy (spoiler: you matter too)
  • Real scripts to help you talk to your partner with clarity + care
  • The lowdown on clitoral suction vibrators, overstimulation, and how to actually use them safely
  • Tips for toy use during pregnancy (and why where you buy them matters)

Resources Mentioned:

  • Dr. Millie’s recommended vibrator brands + exclusive discount code
  • Pelvic floor therapist-approved approaches to healing
  • What Jewish law really says about sex when it’s painful (hint: compassion wins)

Links:

Quotes to Remember:

“Sex is more than putting a penis in a vagina. And if that’s the only thing we’re focusing on, we’re missing the point entirely.”

“This season is about healing, not rejection.”

Don’t forget to subscribe, leave a review, and share with a friend who needs this conversation.

[Dr. Millie Shwecky]

I think we have time for a couple more questions here. Someone wants to know, they ask, I've been married for one and a half years, sex is painful and my therapist said I should wait to have sex again because every time we do it and it hurts, it reinforces the pain fear cycle. How is this fair to my husband and what should he do? How can we talk about this? I get this question all the time and I have a very hard time answering it.

It's a very case-by-case situation, but I would love to hear what you would tell someone generally.

[Galya Falkson]

 Firstly, I would say to them that I hear you. It doesn't feel fair, but it isn't fair to you either to be experiencing pain and to be in a cycle that's going to be continuously reinforcing negative experiences for you.

This fear pain cycle because he wants pleasure. I always look at it like this. What we're doing now in the short term is for both people's long-term benefit.

So yes, short term, you're going to stop having sex because if you don't, long term, both of you are going to experience problems. He's not going to be having sex with you because you're not going to be able to even get to the point of having sex because you're going to be in a fear pain cycle and you're not going to want to have sex because of the pain. So you're not actually benefiting anyone by saying, oh well, it's not fair to him.

You know what? Right now, this is the season of and it sucks and it doesn't feel fair, but it isn't fair to you either. So what's happening to your body is you're learning to expect pain and every single time it makes it harder for you to have any experience of pleasure or any experience of wanting pleasure or any experience of looking forward to being with your partner because you're just experiencing this scared feeling of no, I don't want the pain. So for me, I think this is the best advice you can give someone and if anyone comes back to you and says, it's not fair to my husband, then you say two things.

One, what I just said, but second, sex is so much more about putting his penis in your vagina. There is so much focus on penetration, but actually there's so many other ways to be intimate. There's so many other ways to experience pleasure that don't cause her pain.

So it's important for this season of their life that right now we're reminding the couple that this is about her healing. It's not about rejecting him. It's about finding other ways for them to connect that don't cause her pain and there are absolutely heterium out there where he doesn't mean to finish in her vagina because a lot of people are saying, no, but it's not fair he needs to finish.

No, when there is pain, I will be surprised if you find me a rabbi that says, no, they have to have penetrative sex even when she's experiencing pain and a pelvic floor therapist has told her not to have penetrative sex. I will be very surprised if you find me a rabbi like that and then I would question his authority. The point is like, there's obviously case-by-case basis and there's different situations that go into this, but every single time I've had the Shiloh, without hesitation, the rabbi said, absolutely, he can finish at the opening or there's other ways to manage it.

There's a rambam that, you know, whatever, that there's so many things to rely on, so the fairness, he can still experience pleasure, so can you and if anything, you can rewire your brains to have the best possible outcome here instead of a negative. 

[Dr. Millie Shwecky]

Thank you for that. 

[Galya Falkson]

I actually just wrote like a prompt, like what can a woman say to her husband if she feels like she needs to explain this to him and she can say like, I know this is hard for both of us and I don't want us to avoid intimacy because of it, so in order for us to heal, what can we do and what can we explore to connect and work through this while still creating a space for intimacy for both of us.

[Dr. Millie Shwecky]

Brilliant, brilliant. 

[Galya Falkson]

So there was another question that came in for you, which the woman asked, can clitoral sagging vibrators actually make your clitoris numb after a while and are these vibrators that inside your vagina safe? So what about during pregnancy? 

[Dr. Millie Shwecky]

Okay, it's a lot of questions. Let's break it down.

So let's start with the first one. So for those of you who are newbies, there are different types of tools you can buy online or in the store if you're not shy, but basically there's different types. So some of them more stimulate the outside of the clitoris area and there's some that are inside that go invaginate.

So everyone kind of just like has their preferences of what they like. It's really individual and it's honestly like going to be trial and error of what you figure out, so you got to like sometimes buy a couple to know you like. I actually happen to like ask my patients a bunch of questions and then I recommend something based off of their answers.

But in terms of the ones that are outside, for those of you who don't know, they kind of like do like this sucking motion and like I've seen even like videos on TikTok that are like, oh my gosh, you're going to make yourself numb if you use it too much. So it's not completely a myth because it can cause like a temporary numbness or desensitization because there's a lot of nerve endings that could become overstimulated, similar to like how if you're sitting on a massage chair after like a while, it doesn't like feel good anymore. It just kind of feels like something's vibrating on your back and isn't like it just stops feeling like a massage.

So usually this numbness is temporary and it resolves on its own. But to prevent any like long term desensitization, I would say like take a break when you can use lower intensity settings. So sometimes there's like a one through five kind of setting, like stick to like the first one.

Also like alternate between different types of stimulation, like do something else over there that's just not the same exact tool every time. And just like being in tune with your body, paying attention and like adjusting accordingly. I haven't like heard any stories of like, oh my gosh, I broke my whole entire body because I was using it too much. 

But there is a degree of like becoming dependent on it. But I think just as easily as you could become dependent on it, you could kind of like take a break and find baseline, like go back. Like you didn't ruin anything or break anything.

I'd actually like to hear what you have to say about that. 

[Galya Falkson]

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, personally, clitoral sucking vibrators kind of mimic oral sex.

So they're often much more intense than oral sex would be. And I think that it makes 100% sense that if you're using it on the highest setting, it would create that. But you made a very important distinction when you said temporary.

It's a temporary experience that there's that numbness or that it doesn't feel so great temporarily. If it's continuous, then we're looking at something else with the nerves and it's most likely not caused by the vibrator. There's something else going on there and definitely, vibrators are safe. They're made for the body. They're made safe. But I wouldn't buy them on Temu or AliExpress. I would buy them from a reputable space with a reputable brand. There's lots of discreet places that you can buy from if you don't want to go into a store.

But it needs to be reputable brands, not just some random brand. 

[Dr. Millie Shwecky]

I'll put my discount code on the show notes. 

[Galya Falkson]

Yeah, definitely.

[Dr. Millie Shwecky]

Okay, cool. So then the next question that was part of that group of questions was, are they safe inside? Absolutely. You want to make sure you're just washing it with warm water, a little bit of soap in between uses.

So, hygiene is super important. Let it air dry. That should be fine.

Enduring pregnancy also should be fine. Listen to your body. You'll be great.

[Galya Falkson]

Exactly! 

[Dr. Millie Shwecky]

All right, I think we're out of time for today, but we got through so many questions.